No Circulars
CHARACTERS: DAD - MUM - SAM - RUTH - FOUR PEOPLE WHO DELIVER CIRCULARS
| Scene: The action takes place at the front gate of a suburban home. DAD enters, carrying a letterbox. He puts it down facing the audience. The No circulars sign lies flat on top. |
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DAD
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There! Ready at last. And a pretty good job, too, if I say so myself. The old box was falling to bits. Now for the finishing touch.
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| He picks up the No circulars sign which he shows to the audience. | |
| Enter SAM. | |
| SAM | (anxiously). What's that, Dad? |
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DAD
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It's a no circulars sign. New letterbox, fresh start.
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I'm sick and tired of getting junk mail. No rubbish for this brand new beauty.
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| He pats the letterbox affectionately. | |
| SAM | But Dad, what about fast food vouchers – all those cheap takeaways? |
| DAD | That's too bad – just like takeaways. (To himself.) |
| Now let's see, where should I stick the sign? He tries it above and below the opening. | |
| Meanwhile, RUTH enters. | |
| RUTH | Why the hang-dog look, Sam? What's up? |
| SAM | (pointing to the letterbox). That's what. |
| RUTH | Dad, you can't! |
| DAD | Give me one good reason. |
| RUTH | What if there's a special at the hardware shop? |
| DAD | We can read the newspaper. We get one every day. This sign is going on, and it's staying. |
| Goodbye to freebies forever. He attaches the sign. | |
| SAM | (to RUTH). It's not fair. It's our letterbox, too. |
| RUTH | Wait till Dad finds what he's missing out on. |
| DAD | Do you know something I don't? |
| RUTH | I'm not saying a word. |
| Enter MUM. | |
| MUM | Are we having a street party? |
| SAM | Dad's being horrible. He's putting a "no circulars" sign on the new letterbox. |
| MUM | (laughing). No one takes any notice of those things. |
| DAD | You bet they do. It's the law. |
| MUM |
Rubbish.
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Page 14|
DAD
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Exactly. And I've had enough of it.
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| RUTH | It's not all junk. (To SAM) Dad'll find out. |
| MUM | Don't worry, kids. The sign won't make a scrap of difference to what gets shoved in the letterbox. |
| DAD | We'll see. |
| MUM and DAD exit. | |
| SAM | I wonder who's right? |
| RUTH | Here comes somebody now. |
| SAM | Probably the voucher from the takeaway. They look at each other. |
| RUTH | Dad's gone to watch the rugby. He'll be glued to the box for the next couple of hours... |
| SAM | There's always a lot of stuff on Saturdays... |
| Together they remove the sign and exit with it. The first circular deliverer strolls past the letterbox and puts something into it. So do the second and third ones who follow quickly afterwards. | |
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Page 15|
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Enter RUTH and SAM.
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| RUTH | Quick, stick it back. Dad's coming to put the milk out. |
| They replace the sign. MUM and DAD enter. DAD is carrying a milk bottle which he puts in front of the letterbox. | |
| DAD | Now we'll see who's right. |
| He looks into the back of the letterbox. | |
| DAD | What! How did all this junk get in there? |
| MUM | I told you so. |
| SAM | Neat! There's a voucher for chicken and chips. |
| RUTH | And there's something from Mac's hardware shop. |
| DAD | It's disgraceful. I'll write to the mayor about this. |
| A man's letterbox is his castle. | |
| SAM | Better take the sign off, Dad. |
| Enter fourth circular deliverer. | |
| DAD | (pointing to sign) What does this say? |
| DELIVERER | "No circulars". No problem, Mister. |
| DELIVERER walks away. | |
| DAD | See. They do take notice. |
| MUM | He was scared of you, that's all. |
| SAM | I wonder what he was delivering? |
| RUTH | (Smugly). I heard on the radio this morning that the rugby club was delivering one free ticket for the semi-final match to every household. |
| DAD | The semi-final! (He rummages frantically in the pile of circulars that he carries.) |
| It's not here. I wonder... (He looks offstage.) | |
| Hey! Hey you, wait just a minute ... He exits in a hurry. | |
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| RUTH | I told Dad he might miss out if he wasn't careful. |
| MUM | You're a wicked girl. |
| SAM | (As they exit). Can we have takeaways tonight? |
| DAD returns, clutching a ticket in one hand and the pile of circulars in the other. | |
| DAD | Whew! I almost didn't get a ticket. |
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He starts to exit then stops and returns to the letterbox. He looks at the sign. Silently he removes it, putting it with the bundle of circulars, then he exits.
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